I love you? Do you love me?
I don’t know why I’m questioning myself again if I really love you or am I just so afraid to be alone, forever. I’m so confused and I can’t figure out anything, half of myself is happy that you are there but the other half was suffering because you’re invincibly trying to change me. Since the day that you came back I felt happy and excited. Excited about creating new memories of us, throwing sweet messages that I almost kept for two years and to show you how excited I am to give you another chance to touch my life again. But why do I feel something different about us, about you? I never expected that past can still dragged us to this situation. Wherein I wanted you to be a part of my life forever but my mind keeps on telling me that this is not right, you are not right. Why do I feel like you’re judging me and apparently, I’m beginning to question myself again and I keep on trying to figure out what is wrong with me, is it me? Am I too self-centered because I am so afraid of letting the world know how much I love you, am I too scared to show how much you mean to me if I’m just being realistic than futuristic? Is it wrong to look deeper meanings than just a simple sweet messages and appreciation? Is it wrong to introduce who I really was and be vocal about how I see things rather than keeping it to myself? Am I too conscious about how I react on small things? I’m fucking confused. We’re just repeating the past again, the mistakes and all the things that we misunderstood. I thought that this second chance can change a lot but why do I feel like we are just reliving the past and staying drowned on changing each other. This is the thing, we can’t do things because we are unofficially official. Since then you are well introduced to all the consequences this story line should offer, but why do you keep on expecting too much than you should? And one thing, why can’t you be fucking consistent? I am trying my best not to be needy but all of your actions made me feel like I’m just your toy. Whenever you casually reply on my messages I felt like you were obliged to reply and you were just drawn to this idea of me loving you and the illusion of you loving me. Why do I keep on doubting you over and over again, This is a just a story between you trying your best to treat me right but I just can’t feel it, I know this is too superficial too conclude what you feel towards me but I just can’t absorb it, you always tell me you love me but why do I feel like you cannot love me
because you are just trapped because your family wanted me to be a part of your life. Why can’t I forget you, why can’t I unlove you? Why can’t I get mad in every seen messages, every active now and no replies, every ha-ha and no reply. Why can’t I move on with you, why am I trapped on this idea that there would be you and me forever,
why am I so fascinated about the fact that all things today were making sense now and I can’t absorb it, like I was barking the wrong tree again. I know you wanted more because I cannot give the things that you wanted to have, the relationship you had before? I cannot deal with that game honey, I am different. Maybe I am drenched in wine right now, but I can think straight, I can tell you how it hurt so much whenever you ignore my messages, I just can’t make a big deal out of it because you constantly call me needy and nagger and most especially crybaby. I am not pushing you to love all my quirks and inconsistencies I just want you to be there, and be the real you. But you weren’t acting the same and you’re just hurting and hurting me over and over again. I wanted to cry but I can’t, my eyes were tired of waiting for your replies, for your compliments not just your judgement. I’m so sorry for being too emotional but I’m just not used to this. I’m too dramatic you know that, I don’t want you to feel guilty about hurting me because I really don’t know the reason why you’re treating me like that. I’m fucking confused. Tell me If you love me or you’re just trapped. I can understand it, I swear I can. Just tell me what you feel instead of showing me lies and pretentious love for goodness sake. I love you so much that it hurts. I love you so much that I am doubting you over and over again. I am sorry.